So, there I was in beautiful Denali, AK, having the time of my life...and then the postings just stopped. Seems I was on another, dreaded though familiar journey. Back into a depression I've known for most of my life and battled pretty much constantly off and on for the past 30 plus years. When I get depressed, I pull in rather severely. I don't want anyone to know that there is any weakness in me, so I remain relatively sunny on the outside but totally shutdown.
Because my life is so wonderful and I have, really, no worries at all, I couldn't recognize it as depression. Always before, I'd had something to blame it on. But, here it was, in all it's glory, just standing there alone demanding my attention. This was much harder to recognize. I blamed it on boredom and planned a week and half in AZ with my daughters and then three weeks in Houston with my son. But still it persisted and finally, finally! I recognized it and called it by name and asked for help.
I'd been on anti-depressants before but always stopped taking them when the crisis of the time had passed. For the past ten years, I had relied on St. John's Wart and then set myself free of even it. Free at last, free at last...uh oh! Now I recognize that nothing hurts like depression and there is a pill that takes the worst of the pain away. I've done enough talk therapy to help a small village but still there it is and I now accept that I need the little pills. So, I'm back!
In the meantime, I spent a great week in Mesa with my daughter, including Thanksgiving at my other daughter's, an overnight with my sister, and visits with a very new friend and a very old friend. It was a busy and fun time. My 39 year old daughter is expecting her first baby following a tube reversal last spring. We were all surprised that she was then so easily pregnant! Just meant to be, I guess. It will be a girl in May.
Then I was home for two weeks (and got my prescription!) before leaving for my first trip ever to Texas. My son and his family had lived for over three years in Vancouver, B.C. and I was looking forward to spending Christmas with them there. However, just a month earlier, he had been transferred to Houston to take over the downtown restaurant there. I've just never been a fan of Texas or the Texas attitude, as I interpreted it, and I had no desire to EVER go there in this lifetime. OK, a bit extreme, but that's how I am on some issues. But, here I was, going to Texas for Christmas!
You know, it wasn't half bad! Downtown Houston is quite lovely, the sprawl looks like sprawl anywhere and the people were quite pleasant. The kids live in a great house, large but not obnoxiously so and each of the kids has his own room (or did till I got there; Lily had to relinquish her room for the duration). A couple days after I got there, my daughter-in-law took off for work in California and I had all three kids (boys,11 and 9, girl, 4) all to myself for four days. Exhaustion aside, it was wonderful and I had very special times with each of the children.
When my daughter-in-law returned, I discovered what all the duplicity of the past years had been about...she is one of the top "mommy" bloggers in the country. I'm not sure why, but for five years she had done all she could to be sure I didn't discover this nugget; big giant secret, but only from me. I don't pretend to understand though it makes me feel a bit dirty somehow, like there's something very terrible about me that would screw things up for her. But, the truth is out and hopefully there is now no more cause for lies between us. I always knew they were lies but pretended to believe them just to keep things on a even keel.
What all this has done is propel me to attempt to be more personal and more constant with my blog. I've kind of changed it around a bit, trying to get into the change myself. The blog started as a Peace Corps blog for my time in South Africa. I then extended it to cover my travels. I now think of it as covering that biggest trip of all...life!
I am very very proud of your own honesty with depression -- it haunts my life also -- especialy in the winter months when the sun light decreases.
Posted by: jane | January 10, 2010 at 03:37 PM